it feels like fall

It feels like fall, and I’m ready.

It’s not that I hate summer. I actually really like summer. Every year when it gets cold, I start to wish for summer – the days that I don’t have to worry about carrying a coat, or putting on layers of clothes. I love getting iced coffee when it’s hot enough outside, I love wearing sandals and cute tops, I love that I don’t have to wear jackets except when I’m freezing from air conditioning in the office. I adore barbecues and warm summer evenings when it rains, and I love wearing cute dresses even though I don’t wear them as much as I should. I love going to the beach. And by the time September/October rolls around, I usually get annoyed at myself that I haven’t taken advantage of the season enough – I haven’t been to enough outdoor rooftop bars, I haven’t spent enough time walking around Central Park, I haven’t been to Coney Island enough. Because I love summer and summer is a great time to do so many things! (It probably doesn’t help that I work so much and because we don’t get summer Fridays, sometimes it’s just harder to enjoy summer. Plus, this year in particular, we’ve been busy during most weekends because of wedding stuff.)

I go through this every year – when it’s winter, I wish desperately for summer. When it’s summer, I wish desperately for fall. When it’s fall, I wish desperately for winter. But no matter how you slice it, no matter how much I love Coronas on the beach and drinking on a boat on the water, summer is stagnant. Summer goes by quickly and also drags at the same time, in a way I can’t quite describe outside of my head. Summer starts to get heavy and thick and it feels like it’s smothering you, so when that first rush of cooler air starts to seep into the breeze in the morning as you’re leaving for work, it usually brings with it a calm and a happiness that can only be described as refreshing. When I stepped out of my apartment the other day, it was the first day in awhile that it felt cool enough to wear a light jacket along with my t-shirt. There was a slight breeze. It wasn’t cold enough for me to complain (because I am the person who complains when it’s 60 degrees, since I am always cold and would rather be hot) and it was just…nice.

It felt refreshing. I felt, in a sense, alive again – the shift in the weather, even though I knew it wouldn’t last longer than a day or two, reminded me that there are changes coming and that there is a new season starting, and that there is a reason to feel excited and alive again.

Maybe I’m looking forward to fall so much because once it’s here, I know that the feeling of being stagnant will be slightly alleviated. Things that are out of my control will start to move forward, at least a little bit. I’ll be able to hopefully announce the project I’ve been toiling away on in secret for over half a year, and make even more progress on it. I’ll get married, I’ll go on my honeymoon, I’ll visit friends. I’ll be in a place where I can start to consider some things I’ve been keeping in my back pocket that I can’t really chase at the moment, as much as I want to, because I need to wait a little while for it to be the “right” time. Fall means I’ll be able to move forward in a way that I haven’t been able to do because summer has been here, and maybe that’s the reason that whenever I feel that chill in the air, I get a little flutter of happiness and anticipation.

It’s a nice feeling. I’ve been constantly overwhelmed and anxious lately, feeling more stressed than usual. People think it’s because I have so much to do, and that’s a little bit of it – certainly, work combined with wedding planning, this secret project, and, well, just having any kind of social life isn’t relaxing. But I’ve been hesitant to talk too much about my stress on social media because I don’t want to make people think I can’t handle doing so many things, or that I’m drowning in work and can’t multi-task or take on new opportunities that I want to pursue. That’s not really it, and it’s not the impression I want to give, as my feelings stem more from things that have been sitting with me all summer – thing that I can’t work out right now.

Not until fall.

And not until that cool air starts coming in and starts bringing some change with it.

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